Confessions.

I've been holding out on you guys.

In short: Round #3 of IVF was a success, I carried twin boys through 8 months of pregnancy on the nose, they spent a month in the NI, and we are all home safe, sound, amazed, and so thankful.

Caught up or worn out?

Sorry for not keeping the blog up-to-date. I needed some space during the IVF round and thought not blogging would keep me from not thinking about it . . . not so much. And then it worked, and I didn't know how to announce our happy news . . . same with finding out it was twins . . . same with their birth and hospitalization . . . same with bringing them home.

Thanks to Sarah for her comment -- it brought me out of retirement, at least to convey our updates.

I hope you'll all understand my awkward way of conveying all of this, and accept my heartfelt thank you for all of the support you've given our family over these years. It was a tough road for us. I know it's been a tough road for all of you, as well. But in the end, why were our prayers for babies answered with a "yes," and so many others aren't? Why did our sons thrive in the NICU, while other broken precious bodies were not healed? Why has our marriage somehow managed to flourish in these rocks? I don't know. And I think that's why it was hard to say our third round had worked, and it snowballed from there.

The bottom line is that we are so thankful and overwhelmed by these two little lives that have become intertwined with ours. Looking at them, dreaming of all that they can be in this world, remembering all that it took to get to this point, and knowing without a doubt it was worth it -- we love them more than we could have imagined.

Peace, hope and love to all of you. May God give you all comfort and strength as you continue on your own journeys. Thank you for taking care of us on ours.

Game on!

So good to hear from so many of you. So thankful to have you along for the ride.

We passed our suppression check today with flying colors (welcome news after my PIO-induced cyst a few weeks ago. Did I tell you guys about that? No? 4-cm and then ruptured. Yep. Anyway, it was awful.). Yay for progress! Starting stims on Sunday.

Here. We. Go.

Oh, and happy ICLW!

Let's Rock.

Hello there. Missed us? We are back and ready to show IF who's boss.

Come on, that should have at least provoked a chuckle.

Looking forward to catching up on everyone -- here we go (again).

Peace.

We had a great meeting with our RE today. Sum and substance: notwithstanding our lack o' a baby, we are still optimal candidates for IVF success. So, we'll be taking a break for a month or so, and coming back for round #3 in June.

I'm going to take a break from the blog, as well. Of course, I'll still be checking in on you all, but don't expect frequent posts from our part of the world until we're back in the "active" stage of the IF journey. The goal is for a break from the stress of IF treatment -- body, mind and soul. Breaks are healthy, and we intend to enjoy ours.

In the meantime, peace to you. Be well, and be good to each other.

Regrouping.

We are compiling questions for our follow-up with the RE next week. One of the front-runners: is it time to get a second opinion, and if so, where?

We are at one of the greatest clinics in the Southeast, but we are considering breaking out the big guns and heading to Colorado or New York . . . but maybe that's getting ahead of ourselves. Not quite sure yet, but sure would love to hear your thoughts on "where" to get the mythical second opinion. If it matters for your consideration, we have both endo and male factor.

Thanks for loving on us. You all are the best.

Because He Lives.

How perfect is God's timing! Easter has always been a special day for our family, but this year, the message of loss, redemption and resurrection is somehow even sweeter. Christ has conquered death. He has conquered sin. He has conquered pain. He is Lord of the Universe -- even (and especially) Lord over infertility. Knowing that there is a plan, even though it might not be mine, is an unbelievable comfort.

Because He lives -- we CAN face tomorrow. Thanks for all of your prayers, kind words, and support. I will update again soon, but for today, just know that you have all impacted our lives, and made them better. For that, we are thankful. Happy Easter.

God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!


Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict'ry,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Negative.

We are so sad.

Perfect submission, perfect delight

Those words from the old hymn "Blessed Assurance" are caught in my head today. I wish my heart could catch up.

It's just hard. You want to know, but you don't want to know. You want to plan, but you're not sure what to plan for, so you end up gameplanning both scenarios that tomorrow's phone call could bring. You work out responding to the news in both ways, how you'll tell people and what you'll say. Somehow, it gives you the illusion of control. You stick a pack of Kleenex in your purse, just in case. Doing it tomorrow might jinx it. Your ability to stay positive is wildly affected by what you see on each trip to the bathroom. The drugs don't help that cause. You want to focus on your day today, but you are fixated on tomorrow. Keeping busy just isn't cutting it. Tomorrow will come, but only in its own time.

So, we wait. And we hope. And we pray. And we trust. May our wills be so caught up with the Father's will that we are able to praise tomorrow's news, whatever it may be. Blessed Assurance, indeed.

This all feels (painfully) familiar.

Spotting has commenced. Let the obsessive toilet-paper checking begin.

Can one of you please remind me that it's "technically" not too late for implantation bleeding, someone else that lots of IVF pregnancies spot, and a third person that it can't be AF because I'm on PIO and C.rin.one, and a fourth that those drugs can cause some spotting? I'm also open to being reminded of what I have forgotten :)

Sometimes you just need to be reminded. Fingers crossed.

"Whooooa, We're Half-Way There . . .

Who-oa, Livin' on a Prayer" -- nobody says it like Bon Jovi.

The 2ww is more than half-way over.

There's a definite light at the end of the tunnel.

Prayers are fueling our steps, and calming our hearts.

Thanks for helping us stay positive and focused.

Come on, embies, and come on, Thursday!!!

So, what's really going on in there?

I can think of about a million scenarios for what's going on (or not going on) in my uterus right now. I know I've seen some sort of a chart or timeline for what happens each day after a 5-day transfer, but I can't for the life of me put my hands on it. Anybody know what I'm talking about and where to find it?

We got the word today that none of our embryos made it to the freezing stage. I was sort of sad about it, just conceptually, but making it fine until DH asked me "well, then what does that say about the chances of the ones they transferred?" Gulp. He has to have these questions after 5 p.m.! I'll call the clinic and ask tomorrow, but didn't know if anybody else had asked the same question and heard an answer?

Hooray for Friday -- we're almost there!!!!!!!!

Transfer? Check.

Everything went well yesterday - thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers! Beta test is next Thursday -- April 9. Our RE (who, as you may recall, we love dearly) was so encouraging. He said the embryos looked great, as did the lining (HT to acupuncture), uterine position, etc. He was thrilled with the transfer, so naturally we are too!

I did acupuncture before and after transfer, am doing a day-and-a-half of bedrest (er, working from my bed) now, and am doing these progesterone supplements on schedule. I feel like I'm doing/have done all I can to make this a successful cycle, and am resting in my faith that God has this all under control, whatever the outcome. Somebody please remind me of this on like Monday of next week when I'm pulling my hair out? :)

Enough about me, let's talk about you!

So much is going on the lives of my bloggie friends -- don't think I haven't been following along! Here are some folks you may know, and some you may need to visit for the first time (WARNING: pregnancy/babies mentioned, with great joy -- it is so encouraging to see women I started this bloggie journey with pregnant!):

The E's are in the homestretch (last 8 weeks) before their twins arrive!

Elle has graduated to the OB -- big time :)

Nity, Courtney and Jill, who have been some of my biggest cheerleaders since the beginning, are both expecting after FET, medicated IUI and IVF cycles, respectively.

Ashley is rocking a super-cute new haircut and expecting a baby girl after a sucessful IVF cycle.

Strongblonde, who has not had a straight and narrow path (I know, I know -- who has) is "officialy official" with her twin pregnancy.

Barefoot and (Not) Pregnant is getting ready for her transfer tomorrow -- sticky baby dust to YOU!

Some other dear hearts need comfort. I ache for their losses and news they had prayed so hard against. Joannah, Mo and Will -- I've learned so much from you guys, and truly admire your honest. Go over and give Caroline, who's had quite the time with this IVF cycle so far, a hug and some encouragement.

She called early, again!

More good news from Ellen the Embryologist -- all 8 embryos continued to divide overnight! Even though they don't do the grade thing anymore, I asked EE if she thought we were in good shape for Tuesday's transfer, and she said she thought we were in great shape. Whoohoo!

Thanks for all of your comments and support as we wait together. It really means a lot, and I am so very thankful.

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay."
Habakkuk 2:3

I told you she called early.

Just got off the phone with the embryologist, and all 8 of the fertilized eggs divided overnight -- whoohoo! I asked about grades, and she said they really don't pay as much attention to that anymore (since 6 months ago? Okay . . . .) but that they all looked good. We'll take it.

Have a great Saturday!

Fertilization Report

Good news! Of the 10 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature and all 8 fertilized. We are very thankful for this progress. We'll have a (very early) call from the embryologist tomorrow morning, and will fill you in after she calls. Happy Friday!

Count to 10

That's how many eggs we got today -- whoohoo! We got 8 during our first retrieval, so everyone seemed pleased with today's haul.

Everything went well. No IV issues, no nausea, no anything bad. DH was able to stay home all day and hang out (he even tolerated "Twilight" on PPV, but we are keeping that a secret, ok?). We can feel everyone's prayers and support, and for that, we are truly grateful.

We're praying for tomorrow's fertilization report. We'll keep you posted!

It's on.

Trigger at 10:45 tonight, retrieval at 10:45 on Thursday. Thanks in advance for the warm thoughts and prayers.

The things you learn.

I was a touch concerned about my estradiol level after yesterday's tests. Before our first retrieval, it was over 2000, and we were well short of that yesterday (in the 600s). I had the oh-so-obvious idea to ask my RE's office, and got this reply: because I'm on an antagonist protocol this cycle (e.g., the Cetrotide), they look at the follicle size, not the estradiol. Apparently the Cetrotide monkeys with the estradiol, making the results unreliable. So, since my follies look good, I'm in good shape. WHEW. Hope somebody else has the same question at some point and will find this post so they don't have to worry.

More testing in the a.m. -- fingers crossed for a Thursday retrieval. We'll keep you posted.

Even as we seem to be cautiously moving towards retrieval, my heart is heavy for two of our bloggie friends. Mo and Will got a negative Beta, and my heart is just breaking for them. Please go over and give them some support. We're all in this together, peaks, valleys and everything in between.

The Sunday Word

I have a sort of funny, sort of awful history of experiences when it comes to Sunday clinic visits. They never get my blood on the first stick. Ever. The last two visits have ended up with me reclined on a table, butterfly needle in one arm, Sprite in the other hand. Yipes. I even brought DH with me this time, thinking that might change my luck. No dice. At least he was there to witness the festivities!

Enough whining -- everything looked fine today, and we made it out in time for early church (our clinic rocks the early appointments). Somewhere around 16 little follies are doing their thing, estradiol still moving along (in the 600s). Progress is being made, but we're not quite there yet. So, two more nights of shots, check back in with the clinic Tuesday morning, and we go from there.

Thanks for all the posts and encouragement. I think I can, I think I can :)