Monday, July 28, 2008

Score: Me, 1; Baby Shower, 0.

I went to my first baby shower post-diagnosis yesterday afternoon. As it was for a good friend who struggled mightily TTC and only got there with the help of good ole modern medicine, I think it was a good place to start. I oo'ed and aahh'ed along with the rest of the guests at the massive amounts of pink that my friend and her to-be-born little girl received, enjoyed the punch and petit fours, and dodged the "you're next" commentary like it was my job. It really was a lovely shower, and I am so totally happy for my friend -- she wants this baby more than anything. All that said, I almost made it to my car without tears. Almost. It's just hard. Nobody intentionally said anything to pry or be hurtful, but it's hard nonetheless.

You see, very, very few of our friends know what we're going through right now. For now, we think that's best. Maybe it's weird to blog about your very personal life but not tell your friends and family the web address, but that's where we are -- at least for now. I'm torn between wanting them to know so that they can join with us in prayer (and understand when I'm more difficult to be around than normal!) and not wanting to burden them. Lots of our friends know that I had surgery back in June, but very few people know that we've moved on to the next step. DH is firmly in favor of keeping it to ourselves. We have told our parents and a few friends, but still probably less than 15 people total.

How did you make your decision on "share level," and what was it? Is there any "good" time to tell folks what's going on? Thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom.


Courtney said...

hey faith! love the name of your blog! Thanks for stopping by my blog and for commenting about surgery. We have decided to pretty much be open with everyone about it, and it has really been a good thing for us. Sure we get the stupid comments ever now and then, but for the most part everyone has really been supportive. But everyone deals with this so differently that I think each couple has to just decide what is best for them.

I Believe in Miracles said...

It is a lot easier for me to be happy for a friend who struggles with her TTC journey than a non-IF'r. Someone wrote on here once, it's like we're running a relay race and just cheering each other on, it's not as much a competition anymore. I totally feel that. BUT all that said, it is still hard to be there, get all the questions, fend them off and have the best intentions without knowing that you are facing lots of obsticles.

I've probably told more people that I think I have, but there are only a handful of girlfriends that know absolutely everything (2 of which delt with IF). They have been super supportive, but those that aren't part of the IF world often say things that just don't seem to sit right with me sometimes. They mean well though, and I know that they're praying for me.

That said, I haven't told a lot of people that I feel super close to - like my college friends - who live far away. The one I did tell we were having trouble hasn't been supportive, one is super fertile and the other (has 2 kids) and said if they'd had trouble they wouldn't pursue any medical help. They aren't in the situation, they don't know what they'd do. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I have one friend up here who I feel slightly guilty that I haven't told, but since I don't see them all that often... just hasn't happened.

I have not told my parents (or hubby's) anything. My parents and aunt knows that I went through a bunch of tests for spotting issues and that I'm off bc, but I haven't outright said - we got off for ttc purposes and ran into complications. They think I went off to deal with the spotting (which I also had on bc). Maybe they know, but so far they haven't said anything.

That said, I can agree about the blogging about your personal life without telling those around you. One of the reasons I have an anonymous blog is so that those around me cannot find me. But I've met so many supportive people here I want to tell them about my life - they're my friends, my prayer warriors, etc.

As for a good time - I'd go with your gut. Make sure you have clear expectations for how you want them to react or how you want them to respond. Some may respond with pity, others may just understand that you're dealing with a hard time, while others may never bring it up again. You just never know.

gracechild said...

Hi & thanks for stopping by my blog. I think your DH is wise in wanting to keep things quiet for now. In my journey I've alternated between sharing & privacy. Sharing was nice but right now I'm practicing privacy (helps me focus on my help coming from God as well and not from my support base)

MamaSoon said...

Welcome to the bloggy world. I am also an endo girl. Got married the month before you. Have my lap last summer.

I felt that telling people was going to be good for me. It makes me feel like I have no shame for my circumstances. I have lost 2 friends but gained many new friends in the process.

I feel that by being open, I get a lot more love that I ever expected. And I've learned that my family is a lot more supportive than I ever thought they could be.

That said, I keep my blog closed to friends and family. I usually want support here from only those who 'get it'. And those that won't ever pity me. :-)

I hope you get that BFP - Big Fat POsitive in your upcoming cycle!

Just Me. said...

Hi, here from Lost and Found. Love your blog. Very pretty!

I'm an endo girl too! Had it removed amongst my other stuff like fibroids, polyps and ovarian cysts!

Well, I told some of my very good friends but I have been disappointed with their insensitive remarks. I stick very closely to my close and supportive blogger friends and just a few good friends.

I think IF is very personal and when I mean, personal, it comes with the decisions you make and how you deal with it.

I wish you all the luck and best in your journey and may you find your resolution someday!


andrea_jennine said...

Hi, Faith - Thanks for your comment, and welcome to the infertility blog community!

We have been really open with people we know about our struggles with infertility. For us, it was a matter of knowing that we needed as much support as possible. And whenever someone says something insensitive, our openness gives me a chance to gently educate them about infertility. Every now and then, I wish for a little more privacy (especially when betas are rolling around), but by and large I'm very glad we have shared our battle with others in real life and online.

sarah said...

Hi Faith! Thanks for coming by Bio Girl. Looks like we will be in this one together. Lets hope we both end up lucky a month from now!

As for who we decided to tell, we went the oposite way as you all. We have told everyone. I was in a different place in that we have known about the endo for several years. There was a great deal of discussions on how that causes fertility issues, and so everyone knew we were aware. my sister also did IVF, so that helped to open the door to discusions. Our family and friends went through it with her (didn't work out for them. They are currently adopting) and I saw how the support helped her. I figure if it works, they will all know, and if it doesnt, I will be devistated and need their support. I see both sides, but we opted to tell. I have not yet regret it.

Maria said...

I'm sorry that the baby shower was hard, but it's nice that you were able to share in the joy of a friend who also struggled with IF.

We waited until we had been trying naturally for 8 months before telling most people and then we didn't really open up till we started treatments. I just wanted people to know so they wouldn't ask me when we would have kids and I wanted to educate them.

So far I haven't regretted being so open. But that doesn't mean it's always easy.

Alex and Jill said...

Hey girl!

Man, we've been trying for two years and baby showers are still hard for me...have one this weekend actually. I almost always have to leave early and I cry the entire way home. Just triggers what I don't have yet and it hurts. I'm sorry you're having to go through this...

We chose to tell family and friends because we needed the support. We needed their prayers during this time. It's the hardest thing we have gone through and sometimes we don't have the energy or even words to pray and thankfully we have hundreds of people stepping up in our place and saying those prayers for us. I choose who I want to talk to about it and when but all in all, it was a good decision for us to tell people.

You guys have to make the decision of what's best for you as a couple. Just know that no matter who you tell...I'm always praying for you guys. I pray it will be your baby shower that you're writing about in 9 months.


Leslie Laine said...

I just stumbled upon your blog through I Believe in Miracles, and am amazed at the similarities of what we're currently experiencing. I just recently posted on whether or not to tell and got some great comments back.

We are also preparing for IVF and are awaiting my next cycle for the Clomid Challenge test before officially beginning. We have almost decided to move forward with making our situation "public". After 22 months of stretching the truth and constantly feeling like I have to be on guard emotionally, we just feel like it's the right time.

My blog is currently something that only my closest friends and family know about, and I plan to start another blog that is for everyone else to look at as needed so that we don't have to constantly go through where we are in the process. Also, this blog has become a really safe place for me to say anything I want to say, and I don't want to change that. My other one will be more "appropriate" for people like my mother-in-law, etc.

I know it's a tough decision to make, and it's scary. But, in many ways it will be liberating to just let people know that this is where we are.

I also identify with your baby shower experience, and am also getting ready to go through the same exact thing! I have a friend who got pregant after IVF #2, and am going to be a part of planning the shower with another friend. It's something I plan to post about soon, and I'm a little worried about how it's all going to make me feel. I agree with Nity that it is sometimes easier to feel happy for others also going through IF, but this particular friend hasn't exactly been understanding of my mixed feelings about things in a way that I think is a little unfair and strange given that she's been exactly where I am. Anyway, cheers to you for pushing yourself through! You've inspired me! :)

I'll be following along...I'm interested to hear where you are in your IVF process because we're right behind you!

kirke said...

Thank you for stopping by! I was a closet TTC-er for a long time. I didn't tell anyone about our struggles, but lately I've been really open about it. Some might say too open....did the check-out lady at the grocery store REALLY need to know my medical history?! For me, I find it very healing and helpful. I process things by talking through them, and I think I would sink my husband if he had to hear everything. On the otherhand, I haven't shared my Web address with anyone externally. This is a place for me to get my thoughts out with out censoring them.

Enought rambling from me :) Welcome to the community!!

Leigh said...

Hi Faith

I want to write about this very thing on my blog.

We are half in, half out of the closet - the people who are closest to us know nothing.

I'm going to write that post actually because I also need to get it out (all the noise in my head) :)