Monday, August 25, 2008

Hitting the Soft Spot

I think I have pretty good coping skills. That statement would send DH and my close friends into fits of laughter, but I think I get along okay, generally speaking. Dealing with IF causes you to develop a sort of personal armor that you wear around to help you deflect well-intentioned, yet hurtful or just oblivious comments that come your way, as well as the 50-million ads and other baby references that invade your brain on a daily basis. That said, that armor doesn't provide complete protection. There are still soft spots where news and words can pierce you, causing almost a physical reaction of shock, pain, and disappointment.

One of my biggest soft spots is the "we weren't even trying" pregnancy announcement. You just never know when your day can be thrown into a tailspin: my moment came this morning with a reply to an email I sent to a friend on another matter, a "by the way, we're pregnant" sort of an announcement. She does know what we're going through, so perhaps this was her way of being sensitive (I appreciate that people really don't know how to handle these kinds of situations -- truly, there's no card for this occasion). They weren't trying, but they are thankful and excited.

DH's reaction to this sort of announcement is that I'm allowed to cry for 5 minutes, then I need to go be happy for my friend. Since I'm at work, the first part of that formula really couldn't happen, but maybe it just forced me to push on through to happy. As DH says, it's not like they stole our baby or something :) Since I found out my friend's news today via email, I was able to collect myself and then send back an email with lots of exclamation points and all caps excitement -- they will be wonderful parents. Of course, it's also beautiful to see people be able to conceive without the pain and stress that so many of us are going through, but I didn't think it was appropriate to share that with her, as I'm sure you guys understand.

Maybe I'm getting a little extra armor for the soft spot? I doubt it. More likely is that I'm experiencing the power of friends and family praying, not only that we will be successful in our upcoming IVF cycle, but also that we will be able to find joy in that journey.

I pray that you will find joy, too.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Suggestions, please

My Bible study group is about to wrap up our current book, and we need a new one! We're finishing Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges -- du-de, it has been kicking my rear. Probably will be a post on that later this weekend.

Just to give you some background, this is a group of girlfriends, all married, one with a kid, some working, some not. Maybe a book on marriage or relationships, or on how to juggle everything in this crazy life we all lead? I know there are some readers out there -- thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Running in place.

Sorry to be away from posting/commenting lately -- my computer has been on the fritz, but it seems to be (at least for the moment) up and running.

We are still in the midst of our month off. Not too much to do other than try to invest in our marriage and in our friends, eat healthy, and keep an even keel.

I know a lot of you have decided to be very open with your journey; recall that we have not done so up to this point. I've found that it's very hard for me to spend "investment time" with friends who don't know exactly where we are right now . . . it seems like it's hard to share where my heart and walk are right now without talking about IF. I'm trying to take that as a cue to quit navel gazing and focus on the folks I'm spending time with -- not always a success.

Even though we're off of treatment, this can be an all-consuming life stage. Anyone else having/had similar experiences? Any ideas on how to redirect energy and thoughts? If I don't get a grip on this now, I'll never make it through a 2ww :)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Back to the starting block.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and comments as we went in for our baseline testing. My FSH and estrogen levels were where they needed to be -- praise the Lord! Yesterday afternoon we got the word from the IVF coordinator to start BCPs today (day 3) . . . but then this morning she called and said that because of my low antral follicle count per the ultrasound, we wouldn't qualify for the shared-risk program if we went ahead with IVF this month and so the clinic recommended that we sit out this month and try next month. She surmised that the low count could be because I was on BCPs this past month, which the RE prescribed to ensure healing from my lap surgery back in June, and wants me to lay off of any hormones this coming month and come back in for more baselines when I start my September cycle.

I'll admit -- I shed a few tears. DH was wonderfully comforting, and then we proceeded on with our weekend. I think a big part of this process for me has been learning that this is not about my schedule, and I've got to learn that this is in God's hands, not mine, DH's, or even the RE's. The good news is, I can now go ahead and finalize plans for a fabulous girls' weekend in Boston over Labor Day and not worry about having to pack Lupron shots in my carry-on! It will also be good to have a bit of a break and spend time thinking about other folks for a change. I'm afraid that this process has encouraged me to indulge in my propensity for navel-gazing, and this extra month is a good time to channel that energy away from myself and towards others.

We hope and pray that this happens for us, and trust in His timing, not ours. Thanks for your encouragement and continued support!

Thursday, August 7, 2008


Tomorrow is a lucky day. It has been deemed an "auspicious" day, viewed as the luckiest day of the millenium by over a billion people. 8-8-8 is the 7-7-7 of the Asian world. Turned on its side, an 8 forms the symbol for infinity. Any way you slice it, the halves mirror each other.

Tomorrow is a lucky day. Thousands are expected to wed. Hundreds are expected to induce the births of their children. The Olympics are scheduled to start at 8:08 p.m. tomorrow night -- a time and date specifically picked by the Chinese officials to give the Olympics a lucky start.

Tomorrow is a lucky day. Tomorrow is the day that we officially start our IVF cycle -- my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound are scheduled for in the morning, at 8:00 no less (I promise that was a coincidence). Here's to putting the faith of a billion people behind our hope for a baby. Thank you for continuing to follow our journey to a family.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Here we go -- Step 1.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words last week. Work is just work, and we'll push through. As for everything else, we'll push through that, as well. Again -- many thanks.

In other news . . . last night was the last night of BC, now we're just waiting for AF to show up to make the call to the RE for the first round of tests (did that seem like a lot of initials to anyone else?!). Then, we'll get our calendar (I'm really excited to get that calendar!) and away-we-go!

Glad to be moving into this next step of the process. Hope everyone's having a great Monday!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Just one of those days.

To put it mildly, today was intense. It was one of those days that had me in knots all night just thinking about it. Scary thing is, it was ALL work-related, meaning that when we start IVF in just a little while it will be all of this plus more. I can only pray for the grace to get through each day, and trust that tomorrow truly will take care of itself. Lord knows I can't take care of it by myself.

Got word today (through that great communicator that is a blog) that a college friend has suffered a miscarriage. She has a beautiful son who's about a year and a half old, so I know that he has got to be some comfort to her in this grief. In the process of commenting to let her know how sorry I was for her loss, I read the comment of another college friend (with whom I had dinner last night) who said that she had been there exactly, as she suffered a miscarriage in April. I had no idea, and quickly tried to replay last night's conversation in my head to see what insensitive things I had said . . . hopefully not too much? I hurt for these girls. Even though I've never been pregnant, I can imagine (in some way) what a loss that is. I simply cannot imagine going through what we're about to go through and not ending up with a happy, healthy baby. I just can't. I know it's a possibility, but I refuse to entertain it. One foot in front of the other, right?