Here we go again

Yesterday's baseline tests went well -- at least 14 antral follicles, and good numbers on the bloodwork. So, I started BCPs last night and we'll have our pre-cycle visit (telephonically this time, since we're old hats at this :)) next week. Can't wait to have that calendar in my hands! Yes, I am fully embracing that I'm a control freak.

Happy NYE!

Getting geared back up

Not surprisingly, it took my body a little longer than the "suggested" 30 days to get back into the swing of things. A quick PIO shot later, we seem to be back in business. I'll call the clinic in the a.m., but I would guess we'll go in for our baseline IVF testing on Tuesday. Fingers crossed for that magic number of follies and "normal" bloodwork (though if we get put off a month, someone please remind me that means we can go skiing and to Mardi Gras??)! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Just because we don't have a baby doesn't mean it's not Christmas!

Yes, those words left my mouth about 2 weeks ago. We've both been slammed at work, and getting a Christmas tree . . . well, that just fell by the wayside. DH was fully in favor of skipping out this year. We leave for my family's house early on Christmas morning, and I'm one of those girls who ditches all things Christmas on the 26th (plus, trees are EXPENSIVE!), so he didn't really see the point. Call me overly dramatic, but I pulled the IF card. I responded that if we had a baby, we wouldn't even think of not getting a tree (true), and that we don't get some sort of a "pass" for our struggles. He laughed, said I could relate a hangnail to IF (possibly), and told me to go get the tree.

And I did.

And it's GREAT!

Here's to husbands helping us keep perspective. Wishing you a very, very Merry Christmas!!!

Kicking Dirt

Standing around on the playground, somedays there wasn't much better to do than kick dirt. It was the reflexive reaction when you weren't getting your way and you didn't really know what else to do. Somebody steal your kickball? Kick dirt. Pigtails pulled? Kick dirt. Recess bell ring early? Kick dirt.

Somedays, the IF journey is just like the playground. Another pregnancy announcement? Kick dirt. A new person in your life ask you if you have children, and you pull out the "no, just dogs" bit again? Kick dirt. Hang up just two stockings again this year? Kick dirt. Somebody get pregnant without "enough effort," meaning anything less than multiple IVFs? Reaction to anything other than your plan? Tired of this whole process? Kick dirt. Kick dirt. Kick dirt.

We're in a period of waiting right now, with IVF #2 to begin in January. That said, the rest of the world isn't waiting to get pregnant, and happy announcements abound. I know there's joy in those families, and I'll get there for them, too. Today, I think I'll just kick some dirt.

Who doesn't like a good giveaway, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JILL!

So Jill has decided to celebrate her 100th post (and her birthday) by putting together a great holiday giveaway -- go visit her site and get yourself entered to win!

***Full disclosure: yes, I got a second entry in the giveaway by posting this on my blog. That said, Jill's a great girl, does a wonderful job on her blog and has been a great encouragement to me, so you should all go over and check her out (and wish her a happy birthday!).

Her Body, My Baby

Check out this article from yesterday's New York Times Magazine -- I can't imagine the pain of going through as many IVF cycles and miscarriages as this couple did. I appreciate her sharing her story with the world. I think we can all agree that there's a real need for education, and articles like this are great public service.

Update: please check out Mo and Will's blog for a much more thoughtful reaction to the article than I could muster. Kudos.

Thankful.

We are now into our second year of TTC. Like most of you, I didn't expect to find myself here. My questions and answers seem to run through my brain and heart like some sort of a strange IF catechism on a loop. Why us? Why not? Would we be good parents? With God's help, we like to think so. Would this child be loved? Absolutely. Have we brought our petition to the Lord? Daily. Has He heard our prayers? Most definitely. And so, we wait.

I think the waiting is the hardest part. It always has been for me. When I was a kid and would read those "choose your own adventure" books, I would always flip through of all of the options to see what my best choice would be (I never said I didn't have control issues :)). That little habit has carried on to more adult reading, and I have to stop myself from charging ahead to the last page to make sure a sick or imperiled character makes it. It's hard to cheer when you know you might get hurt.

That's where we seem to find ourselves now. We know the Lord has a plan for us, and we know it will work for His glory. We know He can't plan those ends and not plan the means. What we don't know is that second part: the means. Sometimes I think if I could just get a heavenly telegram with the final score ("it is the year ______, you have _____ child(ren,) and they are happy, healthy and loving") that I would just calm down. But I don't think that's it. I think I would still want to know more. When? How? What are they like? Did I retain any of my sanity in the process? I think we always want to know more. It's just part of being human. An imperfect, frail and fallen human who must put her hands, heart and trust with the one who does know the answers. It's a daily struggle, no doubt. Even so, it is one story that I know has a joyous ending. We have to keep cheering for our family, even though we know full well how much it can hurt.

Today, I am thankful. Thankful for a God who gives us all good things, and who lets us grow through our struggles. Thankful that He uses our pain for His glory. Thankful that God has given me a husband who can pick up the pieces here on earth, and help me dust myself off, wipe my nose and again (and again) point me towards the cross. Thankful for salvation. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for jobs and a roof over our heads. Thankful I am not alone with my struggles. Thankful for all of you.

Thankful for the journey.

Happy Thanksgiving.