Thankful.

We are now into our second year of TTC. Like most of you, I didn't expect to find myself here. My questions and answers seem to run through my brain and heart like some sort of a strange IF catechism on a loop. Why us? Why not? Would we be good parents? With God's help, we like to think so. Would this child be loved? Absolutely. Have we brought our petition to the Lord? Daily. Has He heard our prayers? Most definitely. And so, we wait.

I think the waiting is the hardest part. It always has been for me. When I was a kid and would read those "choose your own adventure" books, I would always flip through of all of the options to see what my best choice would be (I never said I didn't have control issues :)). That little habit has carried on to more adult reading, and I have to stop myself from charging ahead to the last page to make sure a sick or imperiled character makes it. It's hard to cheer when you know you might get hurt.

That's where we seem to find ourselves now. We know the Lord has a plan for us, and we know it will work for His glory. We know He can't plan those ends and not plan the means. What we don't know is that second part: the means. Sometimes I think if I could just get a heavenly telegram with the final score ("it is the year ______, you have _____ child(ren,) and they are happy, healthy and loving") that I would just calm down. But I don't think that's it. I think I would still want to know more. When? How? What are they like? Did I retain any of my sanity in the process? I think we always want to know more. It's just part of being human. An imperfect, frail and fallen human who must put her hands, heart and trust with the one who does know the answers. It's a daily struggle, no doubt. Even so, it is one story that I know has a joyous ending. We have to keep cheering for our family, even though we know full well how much it can hurt.

Today, I am thankful. Thankful for a God who gives us all good things, and who lets us grow through our struggles. Thankful that He uses our pain for His glory. Thankful that God has given me a husband who can pick up the pieces here on earth, and help me dust myself off, wipe my nose and again (and again) point me towards the cross. Thankful for salvation. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for jobs and a roof over our heads. Thankful I am not alone with my struggles. Thankful for all of you.

Thankful for the journey.

Happy Thanksgiving.