Here we go again

Yesterday's baseline tests went well -- at least 14 antral follicles, and good numbers on the bloodwork. So, I started BCPs last night and we'll have our pre-cycle visit (telephonically this time, since we're old hats at this :)) next week. Can't wait to have that calendar in my hands! Yes, I am fully embracing that I'm a control freak.

Happy NYE!

Getting geared back up

Not surprisingly, it took my body a little longer than the "suggested" 30 days to get back into the swing of things. A quick PIO shot later, we seem to be back in business. I'll call the clinic in the a.m., but I would guess we'll go in for our baseline IVF testing on Tuesday. Fingers crossed for that magic number of follies and "normal" bloodwork (though if we get put off a month, someone please remind me that means we can go skiing and to Mardi Gras??)! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Just because we don't have a baby doesn't mean it's not Christmas!

Yes, those words left my mouth about 2 weeks ago. We've both been slammed at work, and getting a Christmas tree . . . well, that just fell by the wayside. DH was fully in favor of skipping out this year. We leave for my family's house early on Christmas morning, and I'm one of those girls who ditches all things Christmas on the 26th (plus, trees are EXPENSIVE!), so he didn't really see the point. Call me overly dramatic, but I pulled the IF card. I responded that if we had a baby, we wouldn't even think of not getting a tree (true), and that we don't get some sort of a "pass" for our struggles. He laughed, said I could relate a hangnail to IF (possibly), and told me to go get the tree.

And I did.

And it's GREAT!

Here's to husbands helping us keep perspective. Wishing you a very, very Merry Christmas!!!

Kicking Dirt

Standing around on the playground, somedays there wasn't much better to do than kick dirt. It was the reflexive reaction when you weren't getting your way and you didn't really know what else to do. Somebody steal your kickball? Kick dirt. Pigtails pulled? Kick dirt. Recess bell ring early? Kick dirt.

Somedays, the IF journey is just like the playground. Another pregnancy announcement? Kick dirt. A new person in your life ask you if you have children, and you pull out the "no, just dogs" bit again? Kick dirt. Hang up just two stockings again this year? Kick dirt. Somebody get pregnant without "enough effort," meaning anything less than multiple IVFs? Reaction to anything other than your plan? Tired of this whole process? Kick dirt. Kick dirt. Kick dirt.

We're in a period of waiting right now, with IVF #2 to begin in January. That said, the rest of the world isn't waiting to get pregnant, and happy announcements abound. I know there's joy in those families, and I'll get there for them, too. Today, I think I'll just kick some dirt.

Who doesn't like a good giveaway, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JILL!

So Jill has decided to celebrate her 100th post (and her birthday) by putting together a great holiday giveaway -- go visit her site and get yourself entered to win!

***Full disclosure: yes, I got a second entry in the giveaway by posting this on my blog. That said, Jill's a great girl, does a wonderful job on her blog and has been a great encouragement to me, so you should all go over and check her out (and wish her a happy birthday!).

Her Body, My Baby

Check out this article from yesterday's New York Times Magazine -- I can't imagine the pain of going through as many IVF cycles and miscarriages as this couple did. I appreciate her sharing her story with the world. I think we can all agree that there's a real need for education, and articles like this are great public service.

Update: please check out Mo and Will's blog for a much more thoughtful reaction to the article than I could muster. Kudos.

Thankful.

We are now into our second year of TTC. Like most of you, I didn't expect to find myself here. My questions and answers seem to run through my brain and heart like some sort of a strange IF catechism on a loop. Why us? Why not? Would we be good parents? With God's help, we like to think so. Would this child be loved? Absolutely. Have we brought our petition to the Lord? Daily. Has He heard our prayers? Most definitely. And so, we wait.

I think the waiting is the hardest part. It always has been for me. When I was a kid and would read those "choose your own adventure" books, I would always flip through of all of the options to see what my best choice would be (I never said I didn't have control issues :)). That little habit has carried on to more adult reading, and I have to stop myself from charging ahead to the last page to make sure a sick or imperiled character makes it. It's hard to cheer when you know you might get hurt.

That's where we seem to find ourselves now. We know the Lord has a plan for us, and we know it will work for His glory. We know He can't plan those ends and not plan the means. What we don't know is that second part: the means. Sometimes I think if I could just get a heavenly telegram with the final score ("it is the year ______, you have _____ child(ren,) and they are happy, healthy and loving") that I would just calm down. But I don't think that's it. I think I would still want to know more. When? How? What are they like? Did I retain any of my sanity in the process? I think we always want to know more. It's just part of being human. An imperfect, frail and fallen human who must put her hands, heart and trust with the one who does know the answers. It's a daily struggle, no doubt. Even so, it is one story that I know has a joyous ending. We have to keep cheering for our family, even though we know full well how much it can hurt.

Today, I am thankful. Thankful for a God who gives us all good things, and who lets us grow through our struggles. Thankful that He uses our pain for His glory. Thankful that God has given me a husband who can pick up the pieces here on earth, and help me dust myself off, wipe my nose and again (and again) point me towards the cross. Thankful for salvation. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for jobs and a roof over our heads. Thankful I am not alone with my struggles. Thankful for all of you.

Thankful for the journey.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Quick follow-up

As always, thanks for the comments. To follow-up on two of them: Leslie, our RE actually recommended a lady who is a Doctor of Oriental Medicine (who knew?) and who specializes in dealing with fertility issues. Apparently, she's the go-to girl for this practice, so I gave her a call and signed myself up. She sent a 13 (yes, 13) page questionnaire for me to fill out before my first appointment. It is quite um, in-depth. It is safe to say I've never paid this kind of attention to my body before, but I'm glad that she's thorough. Mo, our doctor wasn't thrilled with us doing the oral/Crinone in the first place, but the IVF coordinator went ahead and put me on those meds since DH just can't do the needles. Our progesterone started tanking before we conclusively knew my HCG went down, so that got our RE's attention. Of course, he can't know whether the HCG went down because the progresterone was too low or whether the progesterone started going down in reaction to the HCG beginning to go down -- kind of a chicken or the egg sort of a situation, if that makes sense. So, just to be sure, we're a PIO case next time around.

Hope everyone's having a great Sunday night -- short week this week, hang in there!

Sunday

Wow -- you folks really know how to come through for a girl! We had a fabulous, fabulous meeting with our RE on Thursday. DH was out-of-town Monday through Friday (yep, it's been a week around here), so my sweet Mom came down on Monday when our loss was confirmed and then again on Wednesday night to be there for Thursday morning's appointment. Anyway, we met with our RE for about 45 minutes, which is like 6 hours in doctor time, and I was the one who wrapped it up when I ran out of questions. He answered everything I asked and then filled in some blanks that I didn't realize were there.

Here's a recap:

• Positive things about this cycle: my body responded well to the stimulation medications, we had beautiful embryos (he got out a textbook of "what embryos should look like" and pulled up our images, and they looked just alike!), my uterus accepted implantation, and the embryo(s) progressed significantly after transfer. All good things! Most of all -- we got pregnant. According to him, that's huge.

• What we're going to do differently this time: I'll definitely be on the PIO shots (this time was oral and Crinone only), so that's going to be a challenge for me (remember, DH does NOT do shots). He is also considering diluting the Lupron dosage in an attempt to get more eggs. He was "perplexed" that we didn't get more eggs (only 8) when my estrogen level was so high (2750). I asked that he be as involved as possible for our next cycle and requested that he do the retrieval this time (another doc in his group did it last time), and he agreed that he would unless he's out-of-town - that's fair.

• Supplements/alternative medicine: He suggested acupuncture, so we're doing it. Has anyone else done it? How have your experiences been?? I'm up for whatever increases our chances, at this point.

• Cause of miscarriage: He said that there was nothing (that he could tell) about the miscarriage that showed it was related to the IVF/ICSI, and believes that we just fell into the 25-30% of pregnancies that, for whatever reason, end. I'm thankful to be normal, for once.

• Status of endo: He thinks that being pregnant, even for as short a time as I was, will have a positive effect on the growth of the endo, and does not plan to repeat the surgery before we try again UNLESS I start having a lot of pain (which I'm not now) or large cysts show up on ultrasound.

• Schedule: We can start back as early as my January cycle which, for now, is the plan.

All in all, very encouraging news. Thanks for all of your suggestions on what questions to ask -- I felt very prepared and equipped for the meeting.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Tuesday

Thanks for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers. We are muddling through. We're back at work, which I think helps. Routines are important for us. Physically, I think the worst is behind me; I confirmed with my RE that the raging headache and nausea are unfortunate side effects of hormones spilling out of my body. The good news is, I can take whatever I want to combat them! I've also indulged in sushi, caffeine and a good glass (or two) of wine. I think that's okay.

Our RE called today - what a kind and thoughtful man. He, knowing full well that I have an appointment with him Thursday morning, took the time to answer every question I could think of. He is very positive about our future, and ready to get started as soon as we are (we have to give it at least one month, then it's our call on the restart date). He did say that there's no way to know whether my miscarriage was triggered by low progesterone or the low progesterone was a sign that the miscarriage was happening -- sort of a chicken or the egg (no pun intended) sort of a situation. Makes sense.

He encouraged me to have a list of questions when I come in on Thursday. I know the obvious ones (what happened, what can we do to better address it next time, when do we start, what's my endo doing in the meantime), but want to ask your help in making sure I have my bases covered.

What am I missing?? What would you ask?

Monday

We serve a God who works miracles. We read and hear of those miracles, of His people who are saved from the fiery furnace, from lions, from sickness and calamity and flood. Deep down, we know that we serve a God who is much bigger than any of our individual pain. On days, like today, when I am tempted to let my own individual pain overwhelm me, it's good to remind myself just how big God is. He's bigger than infertility, bigger than IVF, and bigger than miscarriage.

Just as our excitement at learning we were pregnant was tempered with caution about the possible perils ahead, now our disappointment is tempered with hope. We are blessed to have a lot of information about this pregnancy, and we are hopeful that information will better arm our medical team if/when we try this again.

Thank you for your prayers. They really mean more than you can know.

Keep breathing.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news to share with you guys. Yesterday's Beta confirmed what my body had been cluing me in on -- all is not well. While my HCG did go up (from 45 to 78) and my estrogen is fine (thanks for the prayers on that front), my progesterone is terribly low. They are giving me all of the supplements that they can give me (oral 3x per day and Crinone 1x per day). I asked about switching to the shots, but they don't want me to do that. So, I'm on a weekend of "feet up bedrest," and then we will go back in on Monday for more bloodwork. DH leaves early Monday morning for a business trip that he just has to go on, so Monday has the potential to be a really tough day for everyone. We're pretty sure we know the final score at this point, but we have no choice but to let the rest of the game play out. It's a helpless feeling.

I'm ok, just sad and a touch overwhelmed. Everything went so well with this cycle, and yet, here we are. I am trying to trust that this is just not God's timing for us to have a baby right now, and while I'm trying not to dwell on this truth right now, it just might not be His plan for us to have a biological child. I know, I know -- this is our first IVF cycle, I don't need to waive the white flag, etc. It's just a lot to try to handle, you know? I need to try to remember that I wanted to see the positive Beta as a gift -- we CAN get pregnant! However, this "your body isn't metabolizing progesterone appropriately" situation (I've never even heard of that?) wasn't anything that had entered my mind to worry about, so think it's gotten me more thrown off of my game than if we had gotten a negative Beta. Does that make any sense whatsoever? I know, I know -- control issues. Maybe that's the point of this process? I need to be less of a planner and more of a truster. But I knew that already. There's spiritual growth to be had through this pain. I knew that, too. Someday we will be able to use this experience to help others who are struggling through similar situations. God can, and will use, our pain for His glory. This definitely helps give me some perspective right now, and someday I know it will give me great comfort. Right now, it really doesn't make it hurt any less.

Sorry for the early morning rambles. Not a lot of sleeping in this house right now. It helps to work it out in words. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. We'll let you know on Monday.

It's later, here's more

Thanks for all of your encouragement today!

We feel very blessed to have received today's news. For those who like the numbers, our clinic wants the HCG level to be at least 20, and mine was 45. My estrogen level was a touch lower than they like, so I've started a pill to hopefully head off any issues.

We know it's still (very) early on, and we continue to entrust this process to a plan that's much bigger than our own. No matter what happens from here on out, we know that I can get pregnant, which is a great comfort.

I'll go back in on Friday morning for Beta #2, so until then . . . .

:)

POSITIVE

More to come later, but sure wanted you to know!!!

Day After Tomorrow

Sorry I've been scarce the last few days. Know that I've been checking in on all of you, laughing and crying with you. For some reason, I just haven't had much to say. Some of that is a by-product of trying not to dwell on what is or isn't rapidly dividing and growing inside of me -- quite a feat, let me tell you. Everyone says to stay positive, but they also tell you to try and be realistic so it isn't so much of a crushing blow if/when you get a BFN. Positive realism is about as easy to maintain as balancing a stack of books on your head: not impossible, but takes constant effort. It can be tiring. Exhausting, even.

We are blessed with a host of friends who've visited, emailed, and called with ideas of fun things to do -- playing distract the IVF friend is quite the popular game, and I love them for it. Even so, all the distraction in the world is brought to a crashing halt when you have the slightest twinge. What was that? Was it good or bad? What does Google say (I know, I know -- Google isn't a doctor)? I told DH to remind me if the answers aren't as we've prayed, IVF Cycle #1 wasn't the worst thing we ever went through and we could do it again. Maybe you all will have to remind me, too.

Answers are coming soon. Regardless of the outcome of Wednesday's Beta, we trust that God is still God, and He uses all of our struggles for His glory.

One Week From Today.

One week from today, we go in for our Beta. It's hard to believe that after all of the months, surgeries, tears, and shots, we are just a handful of days from finding whether we are going to be parents this time around.

I've been working from home, keeping my feet up and trying to stay sane. I'm interested to know how the rest of you dealt with the 2ww . . . it's a challenge, no doubt.

Transfer Day

Thanks for all of your prayer and support. After all of the "drama" of the last few months, today's transfer did seem a little anti-climactic! It was a very calm and peaceful process, and our RE transferred 2 embryos that both looked wonderful (according to him and the embryologist -- glad they knew what they were looking at!). So now, we wait. And we hope. And we pray.

The Word from the Embryologist: Day 3 (posted on Day 4)

It is safe to say that our embryologist is an early riser -- she called at 6:45 Saturday morning! If people would always wake me up with such good news, I wouldn't complain about early calls. She said that all of the embryos had continued to divide as we had hoped, and that we should be good to go for the transfer Monday morning. Hooray! Soooo -- transfer tomorrow at 11:30, followed by some bedrest (I'll only get up to vote on Tuesday!) and then we'll know on 11/12.

The Word from the Embryologist: Day 2

From the 6 fertilized eggs, we have 6 embryos! Praise the Lord! Our clinic grades on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best. Our 6 grade out as follows: 2 are Grade 1, and 4 are Grade 2!! We are pumped, and so thankful. As always, thanks for your prayers, comments, and support.

We are heading out-of-town for a wedding, so there will be no Day 3 update for you guys until Sunday, but I will be sure and let you know the status as soon as we get home.

Happy Halloween!

The Word from the Embryologist: Day 1

Of yesterday's 8 eggs, 7 were mature, and 6 fertilized! Hooray!

Crossed that Bridge

Slowly, slowly, we are making progress on our journey to a baby. Retrieval went well this morning -- 8 eggs are now happily ensconced in the embryologist's den of magic. Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes. We are truly encouraged and prayerfully waiting for the IVF coordinator's call in the a.m. to find out how many of those eggs were fertilized.

Off to the races

Trigger tonight, retrieval Wednesday, transfer Monday, Beta 11/12.

Whoa.

Rut-ro

We went in this morning, as scheduled. Ultrasound looked great -- lots of follicles developing very well. Then we got the call this afternoon, and my estrogen is "a touch" high: over 2000. Yipes! So, my doctor wants to see me in again in the a.m. just to make sure everything is in check. A bit of a short leash, but I'm glad that they are being cautious. Yes, the concern is OHSS, but we're not there yet. Thanks for all of your comments - will let you all know what happens at the appointment. Hopefully tomorrow will bring clarity and a retrieval date!!

The Latest.

Day #5 of stims:

13 follicles

Estrogen 459

Progesterone .5

Our IVF coordinator was pleased with the progress, and we go back on Sunday for more tests and to find out when the "big day" will be!!!

The Unexamined Life

I'm a big believer in music. It describes the human experience so much better than I ever could, and challenges me to think through my thoughts and emotions in ways that I might not otherwise. We laugh around our house and say that if Wilco, the Rolling Stones, Phish or Alison Krauss don't sing about it, it's probably not really happening to you.

Those fabulous bands aside, I must confess that I'm a bit of a Broadway nut, and I do love "Wicked." One of the songs, "Dancing Through Life," has truly hit home recently. It talks about living the unexamined life, a world where woes are fleeting and blows are glancing. I'm sure some of you just started singing along -- what can I say, it's "Popular" (sorry, bad joke).

One thing's for sure: living through IF is not living an unexamined life. It is full of pain, and you and your spouse must think and pray your way through issues they just don't cover in pre-marital counseling. Sometimes I look at my friends who don't share these struggles and think they are living the life described in the lyrics: dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smooth. I know that's not true. We each carry around our burdens and worries; no one's life is perfect. That's the temptation though -- to pretend that it is. Not to think too hard about it, to engage in a make-believe world where everything is surely going to work out in the end.

DH and I are challenging ourselves to live the life we have. Not to disengage. Not to float. Being truly in this experience, feeling the hurts, working through the worry, is where the growth will be. Yes, there's pain in the process. That's where we are stretched, sometimes almost unbearably. But that's also where God is. We seek Him there, and we trust that He will be there for us and with us.

Friends, I challenge each of you to join us in trying to be real and honest in this process. I also ask you to hold me accountable if you see me trying to "Pollyanna" my way through this, which is an ever-present temptation for me.

We have faith that if God brings us to it, He will bring us through it, and that applies to IVF as well. God is truly in the details. We trust Him now with follicle counts and FSH levels just as we pray to one day trust Him as we parent our much-prayed for child. Do we doubt? Do we get mad? Do we have days when we despair and fall victim to the "woe-is-me's?" Of course. Absolutely. More than I would like to admit. Do we continue to trust that God will use this for His glory? Always.

So here's to the process and focusing on finding the joy in the journey -- and to leading a well-examined life.

I can feel it.

You people have some powerful prayers! Last night was SO much better (thanks to all of your advice, too), and I just wanted to say THANKS before I am off for tonight's festivities. I'll check in after our appointment on Thursday . . . . hugs to all of you!

OUCH.

Not going to lie, people -- those stim shots hurt. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I don't know. At any rate, we'll push on through! Thanks for all of the comments!

Movin' and Groovin'

So far, so good on this IVF cycle. We had our suppression check last week, and I passed -- no cysts, hormone levels nice and low. Historically, I've had hormonal mirgraines whenever docs have monkeyed with my BCPS or anything, and that's been the biggest struggle of this cycle to date. Thankfully, our clinic was all over it and got me meds that were safe to take and that have worked like a charm. We add stim meds tonight (which I'm a little worried about . . . seems like a lot of mixing and screwing on needle tops and the like. We can do it!), and then go back in for a status check on Thursday morning. Thanks for all of the prayers, comments, and support!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Slaying dragons

9:30 last night was the witching hour. Let's be clear: I do not like needles. I'll gleefully take a 2-week round of antibiotics over a simple IM injection, and I scoff at those who take flu shots. My biggest concern about the IVF process (other than it not working) was the shots. No, I'm not going to wax poetic over my first Lupron shot, but I will confess to having been quite proud of myself for sitcking a needle into my stomach. I mean really people, it's pretty much against everything your mama ever taught you to do! After it was over (which was quickly and fairly painlessly), I did a little dance around the room and high-fived DH (who was in the other room yelling at the Saints on tv).

There's something oddly empowering about conquering fears. You really CAN do more than you think you can -- if there's a positive take-away from IF, I think that may be one of them. Here's hoping you can slay some of your own dragons this week, too.

Update

Thanks for all of your support. Our family is moving forward as well as possible, and we continue to covet your prayers.

We got our IVF protocol yesterday: Lupron starts Monday, suppression check on 10/15, then stims, retrieval sometime the week before Halloween, then transfer the week after. I can't believe it's really here! Maybe I should absentee vote? :)

Would love to hear suggestions and advice as we start the "real" part of this journey -- we're excited!

Hugs for Wednesday go to Sarah for her BFP and Jill for her FET!

Changing gears

About a month ago, I found out that my younger brother and his wife were going to be having a baby. Despite their own struggles to get pregnant (2 miscarriages) and my love for my brother, it was still somewhat painful news to hear. Today, they learned through an amnio that their precious little girl has Trisomy 18, or Edward's Syndrome. As we will begin working towards our baby, they will begin saying goodbye to theirs. It's uncharted territory for our family. We're a high-performing bunch, and it's been hard enough to cope with everyone's difficulties in having a baby -- this, we're definitely not equipped to handle alone. Thankfully, we aren't alone.

I trust that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I trust that God is still God. I trust that He will work this for His glory. Thanks for your prayers.

Houston, We Have A PLAN!

Hooray! I passed my baseline tests with flying colors, and we qualified for shared risk!!!! We are so thankful for the results, and humbled by your prayers and support. I start BCPs tonight and have my meeting with the IVF coordinator next Wednesday to get my calendar. I don't think I have EVER been this excited to start a process that involves so many needles!!! Thanks again for all of the support!

Here we go again!

I'm CD 2 right now, so I'm going in tomorrow morning for my IVF baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Recall that we were postponed on our IVF schedule last month because my antral follicle count was only 5 and needed to be at least 12 to qualify for shared risk -- our IVF coordinator is hopeful that my count was low because I had been on BCPs the 2 months before to finish healing from my June surgery, meaning that things should be better after this "hormone-free" month.

At any rate, tests are at 7:45 in the morning, and prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated! Will let you all know when we know something . . .

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Thanks for checking in.

Wow - I never cease to be amazed at the support network that we have all created for each other. Thanks for your kind words and advice over the weekend.

I went in on Monday for a Beta (negative -- shocker :)) and a big PIO, which should bring on AF sooner rather than later. Once that happens, we'll be back to the IVF starting gate with baseline tests . . . and back to praying for at least 12 antral follicles!

I don't anticipate that there will be a lot to say between now and then, but I'll be checking in on you ladies!

You were right!

Called the doctor -- if no progress by Monday, I need to come in for some bloodwork and a shot; if progress over the weekend, I am to call Monday morning and schedule the baseline IVF ultrasound/bloodwork.

Thanks for the advice. I do love having a plan.

Well hmmmmm . . . .

Okay people. I should have started my cycle by now. By my count, 4 days ago. Let's get one thing clear -- I know I'm not pregnant (don't mean to imply God isn't still in the miracle business by that statement, but I'm not). I'm a little worried that if I start over the weekend that I will miss my chance for the beginning of the cycle bloodwork and ultrasound and then we'll get pushed back another month for IVF . . . yikes! Maybe I call the clinic tomorrow and see what they think? I just hate to be that neurotic patient (any more than I already am). Maybe I just wait it out and count it as character development in patience? Maybe I make the trek to CVS to drop $12 to confirm what I already know (don't worry, not doing that)? I wouldn't be so concerned except we have a friend's wedding at the end of next month and I really don't want to miss it . . . although obviously I get the priorities in any decision on that front.

Advice, please?!

No personal news, might as well post about Sarah Palin.

Okay folks, let's discuss. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm voting for Obama, but I find myself intrigued by Gov. Palin. Why? She's bold and assertive, loves the Lord and her children, and sees that she can do the best for her family by trying her best to change the world. To me, that's cool. Now I know, I know, there's lots about her that's not cool. I didn't say I was voting for her, I said I was intrigued.

What about you guys? Does she stir your imagination, even just a little? Here's to a non-IF discussion for a small change (at least until I go in for my ultrasound -- stay tuned!).

Hope everyone's off to a great week!

Long time, no post

This is what happens when your work life gets crazy, you go out of town for 10 days, and your laptop is broken! I'll have to say that I've missed you ladies, and enjoyed catching up on the blogs tonight.

Not too much to report around here. Waiting on AF so that we can go back to the RE's office for the Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasounds again . . . here's hoping my antral follicle count is WAY up from last month (for those who like to pray really specifically, we're going for at least 12). If not, we'll have some decisions to make. No point in game-planning, we'll work it out when/if we get there.

Fingers crossed for so many of you who are soldiering through cycles and making plans for the future.

Hitting the Soft Spot

I think I have pretty good coping skills. That statement would send DH and my close friends into fits of laughter, but I think I get along okay, generally speaking. Dealing with IF causes you to develop a sort of personal armor that you wear around to help you deflect well-intentioned, yet hurtful or just oblivious comments that come your way, as well as the 50-million ads and other baby references that invade your brain on a daily basis. That said, that armor doesn't provide complete protection. There are still soft spots where news and words can pierce you, causing almost a physical reaction of shock, pain, and disappointment.

One of my biggest soft spots is the "we weren't even trying" pregnancy announcement. You just never know when your day can be thrown into a tailspin: my moment came this morning with a reply to an email I sent to a friend on another matter, a "by the way, we're pregnant" sort of an announcement. She does know what we're going through, so perhaps this was her way of being sensitive (I appreciate that people really don't know how to handle these kinds of situations -- truly, there's no card for this occasion). They weren't trying, but they are thankful and excited.

DH's reaction to this sort of announcement is that I'm allowed to cry for 5 minutes, then I need to go be happy for my friend. Since I'm at work, the first part of that formula really couldn't happen, but maybe it just forced me to push on through to happy. As DH says, it's not like they stole our baby or something :) Since I found out my friend's news today via email, I was able to collect myself and then send back an email with lots of exclamation points and all caps excitement -- they will be wonderful parents. Of course, it's also beautiful to see people be able to conceive without the pain and stress that so many of us are going through, but I didn't think it was appropriate to share that with her, as I'm sure you guys understand.

Maybe I'm getting a little extra armor for the soft spot? I doubt it. More likely is that I'm experiencing the power of friends and family praying, not only that we will be successful in our upcoming IVF cycle, but also that we will be able to find joy in that journey.

I pray that you will find joy, too.

Suggestions, please

My Bible study group is about to wrap up our current book, and we need a new one! We're finishing Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges -- du-de, it has been kicking my rear. Probably will be a post on that later this weekend.

Just to give you some background, this is a group of girlfriends, all married, one with a kid, some working, some not. Maybe a book on marriage or relationships, or on how to juggle everything in this crazy life we all lead? I know there are some readers out there -- thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Running in place.

Sorry to be away from posting/commenting lately -- my computer has been on the fritz, but it seems to be (at least for the moment) up and running.

We are still in the midst of our month off. Not too much to do other than try to invest in our marriage and in our friends, eat healthy, and keep an even keel.

I know a lot of you have decided to be very open with your journey; recall that we have not done so up to this point. I've found that it's very hard for me to spend "investment time" with friends who don't know exactly where we are right now . . . it seems like it's hard to share where my heart and walk are right now without talking about IF. I'm trying to take that as a cue to quit navel gazing and focus on the folks I'm spending time with -- not always a success.

Even though we're off of treatment, this can be an all-consuming life stage. Anyone else having/had similar experiences? Any ideas on how to redirect energy and thoughts? If I don't get a grip on this now, I'll never make it through a 2ww :)

Back to the starting block.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and comments as we went in for our baseline testing. My FSH and estrogen levels were where they needed to be -- praise the Lord! Yesterday afternoon we got the word from the IVF coordinator to start BCPs today (day 3) . . . but then this morning she called and said that because of my low antral follicle count per the ultrasound, we wouldn't qualify for the shared-risk program if we went ahead with IVF this month and so the clinic recommended that we sit out this month and try next month. She surmised that the low count could be because I was on BCPs this past month, which the RE prescribed to ensure healing from my lap surgery back in June, and wants me to lay off of any hormones this coming month and come back in for more baselines when I start my September cycle.

I'll admit -- I shed a few tears. DH was wonderfully comforting, and then we proceeded on with our weekend. I think a big part of this process for me has been learning that this is not about my schedule, and I've got to learn that this is in God's hands, not mine, DH's, or even the RE's. The good news is, I can now go ahead and finalize plans for a fabulous girls' weekend in Boston over Labor Day and not worry about having to pack Lupron shots in my carry-on! It will also be good to have a bit of a break and spend time thinking about other folks for a change. I'm afraid that this process has encouraged me to indulge in my propensity for navel-gazing, and this extra month is a good time to channel that energy away from myself and towards others.

We hope and pray that this happens for us, and trust in His timing, not ours. Thanks for your encouragement and continued support!

8-8-08

Tomorrow is a lucky day. It has been deemed an "auspicious" day, viewed as the luckiest day of the millenium by over a billion people. 8-8-8 is the 7-7-7 of the Asian world. Turned on its side, an 8 forms the symbol for infinity. Any way you slice it, the halves mirror each other.

Tomorrow is a lucky day. Thousands are expected to wed. Hundreds are expected to induce the births of their children. The Olympics are scheduled to start at 8:08 p.m. tomorrow night -- a time and date specifically picked by the Chinese officials to give the Olympics a lucky start.

Tomorrow is a lucky day. Tomorrow is the day that we officially start our IVF cycle -- my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound are scheduled for in the morning, at 8:00 no less (I promise that was a coincidence). Here's to putting the faith of a billion people behind our hope for a baby. Thank you for continuing to follow our journey to a family.

Here we go -- Step 1.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words last week. Work is just work, and we'll push through. As for everything else, we'll push through that, as well. Again -- many thanks.

In other news . . . last night was the last night of BC, now we're just waiting for AF to show up to make the call to the RE for the first round of tests (did that seem like a lot of initials to anyone else?!). Then, we'll get our calendar (I'm really excited to get that calendar!) and away-we-go!

Glad to be moving into this next step of the process. Hope everyone's having a great Monday!

Just one of those days.

To put it mildly, today was intense. It was one of those days that had me in knots all night just thinking about it. Scary thing is, it was ALL work-related, meaning that when we start IVF in just a little while it will be all of this plus more. I can only pray for the grace to get through each day, and trust that tomorrow truly will take care of itself. Lord knows I can't take care of it by myself.

Got word today (through that great communicator that is a blog) that a college friend has suffered a miscarriage. She has a beautiful son who's about a year and a half old, so I know that he has got to be some comfort to her in this grief. In the process of commenting to let her know how sorry I was for her loss, I read the comment of another college friend (with whom I had dinner last night) who said that she had been there exactly, as she suffered a miscarriage in April. I had no idea, and quickly tried to replay last night's conversation in my head to see what insensitive things I had said . . . hopefully not too much? I hurt for these girls. Even though I've never been pregnant, I can imagine (in some way) what a loss that is. I simply cannot imagine going through what we're about to go through and not ending up with a happy, healthy baby. I just can't. I know it's a possibility, but I refuse to entertain it. One foot in front of the other, right?

Score: Me, 1; Baby Shower, 0.

I went to my first baby shower post-diagnosis yesterday afternoon. As it was for a good friend who struggled mightily TTC and only got there with the help of good ole modern medicine, I think it was a good place to start. I oo'ed and aahh'ed along with the rest of the guests at the massive amounts of pink that my friend and her to-be-born little girl received, enjoyed the punch and petit fours, and dodged the "you're next" commentary like it was my job. It really was a lovely shower, and I am so totally happy for my friend -- she wants this baby more than anything. All that said, I almost made it to my car without tears. Almost. It's just hard. Nobody intentionally said anything to pry or be hurtful, but it's hard nonetheless.

You see, very, very few of our friends know what we're going through right now. For now, we think that's best. Maybe it's weird to blog about your very personal life but not tell your friends and family the web address, but that's where we are -- at least for now. I'm torn between wanting them to know so that they can join with us in prayer (and understand when I'm more difficult to be around than normal!) and not wanting to burden them. Lots of our friends know that I had surgery back in June, but very few people know that we've moved on to the next step. DH is firmly in favor of keeping it to ourselves. We have told our parents and a few friends, but still probably less than 15 people total.

How did you make your decision on "share level," and what was it? Is there any "good" time to tell folks what's going on? Thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom.

Is it true? Does it matter?

US Weekly, that bastion of fine journalism, is reporting that the new Jolie-Pitt twins are the happy result of IVF treatments -- obviously, that caught my eye in the check-out line at Target today.

We'll see if the parents confirm, deny, or even acknowledge the story. If it's true, what (if any) will the impact be for the larger IF community? Will it be chalked up to celebrity baby-timing (the article alleges that she wanted to "knock it out" and not deal with the "stress of trying to get pregnant"), or could it bring the attention to IVF and those going through it that these folks have brought to international adoption? What do you think?

Welcome to Our World!

Thanks for being here. We are attorneys living and loving in the Deep South. We have dear friends, families that most people would be jealous of, jobs that challenge us, and a home that we love -- up until now, we have been blessed to live lives where things, by and large, have come easily. Having a baby has been hard.

We start IVF In August, and we covet your thoughts and prayers and, if you've walked this road before, we are privileged to seek your advice. We know that we have an amazing support network who will encourage and love us through IVF and whatever comes after. We love you for it.

Jesus taught that faith like a mustard seed would move mountains. We are trusting that God will grow a Mustard Seed Baby from our dreams and prayers into one of His own. As we continue down this road to our family, we know we're not alone. We're surrounded by a great host of loved ones and friends who are praying for and supporting us every step of the way.We know this isn't going to be easy. We know there will be doubts and pain, hope and struggles. We are praying for our Mustard Seed Baby. Thank you for joining in the journey.